Top 5 Easter Candy Draft for Stoners
by Richard Powers
It’s April 11th and it happened, I finally caved! I bought (and then consumed) a delicious, smooth milk chocolate easter egg. Devouring the hard shell of chocolate heaven I was filled with a sense of enjoyment but also urgency. I wanted that creme filling in the center! Cracking through the hard outer shell, my front teeth began to reach the sugary egg colored cream filling I got high. Yes. HIGH! A shot of dopamine like I just left an Anastasia-happy dentist’s office. Certainly a Top 5 Easter candy!
So horny for chocolate eggs, I drove to a completely different store so as to not face the embarrassment of being a habitual easter egg addict from the previous store’s cashier. Consequently, I drove my fat ass to a different store, bought 4 more eggs.
My plans for Easter Sunday are to pace the consumption of all 4 eggs, but I could just show off and crush all four back to back…to back..to back. NO. I need time, time to reset and smoke some of the luscious Cannabis. (My Easter Sunday Cannabis strain line up is Platinum Wedding Cake and Blue Sowah)…
15 minutes later…
Suddenly I was thinking about all the other Easter candies that I have snubbed at the checkout line and never even shot a sexy glance. Why? After some deliberation with the Loud News Net staff, I reached enlightenment. At least a candied enlightenment…
With that, here is our top 5 Easter candy draft:
Editor’s note from The Mean: Dick was too stoned at this point to realize a draft usually involves multiple people, so he ended up making all 5 picks himself.
#1 Pick – Cadbury Creme Eggs
The king swinging dick of Easter Candy season and it isn’t close. It is a Secretariat at the Belmont 30 length-winning-style, distance to #2 and then it gets interesting!
#2 Pick – Whoppers Robin Eggs
These things sit at #2 in my rankings mainly for nostalgia. It takes me back to tastes and feelings of being a husky little pudge at home, attacking my receptors with an endless onslaught of sugar and malted chocolate! Ah, the memories…
#3 Pick – Lindt Easter Chocolate Gold Bunny
This beautiful bunny is a whole experience. The different stages of the Lindt Gold Bunny take you on a pleasure cruise. First thing that hits is the admiration of craftsmanship. The fine contoured lines and beautiful detailed shape. Second is the perfectly fitted gold foil wrapper that dresses the outside of this chocolate masterpiece. It’s thick, straight to the point milk chocolate. It’s also weirdly fun trying to decide which part of this majestic bunny you want to chomp off next (always the ear).
Pro tip: Pop the bunny in the fridge prior to demolition.
#4 Pick – Easter Pastel M&M’s
Sitting in the #4 seed is ole’ reliable of the Easter candy starters. The baseline candy that will hold you over during those times of craving sweets. Pastel M&M’s aren’t going to stop traffic, but they are satisfying, little mini shots of chocolate cocaine (if cocaine were a good thing, but it isn’t…don’t do coke.)
#5 Pick – Peeps Easter Bunnies
Mr. Irrelevant in the Top 5 draft is Peeps Marshmallow Easter Bunnies. I am mad about even being pressured into agreeing to this. I mean, it’s a Marshmallow…But whatever.
Happy Easter Loud fam!
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How you’re not going to put Reese’s PB cup eggs on the list??? It’s an outrage Richard
Just read this last night. Hilarious. I almost spit out my beverage reading “horny for chocolate eggs” and “Rick was too stoned at this point…” Good stuff.